‘Captain Bravo’

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

‘Dress code’

A guy brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch. The dock hand says "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here today. This establishment has a neck tie policy, and you are not wearing one.

The guy says "Of course I don't have a tie on, I'm on a boat!" "Well, go down below and put one on" "I don't HAVE one!" The dock hand, not wanting to turn away a customer, says "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK"

After some time, the boater comes out with a pair of jumper cables. "This is all I could find"

Sighing, the deck hand says "OK, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything"

‘Shore leave’

A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."

For Eileen - ‘Spell checker’

I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.